Asking For What You Want

I’m playing in the realm of *wants* these days. It feels so taboo! So forbidden! 😈So empowering! 🤩

And, I’m not talkin’ anything crazy here.

Mostly, I'm staring at my 7 fancy tubes of toothpaste and picking which flavor I want in the moment. 🤷‍♀️

I'm practicing spontaneous, in the moment, stay-present-now kinds of choices.

This is me, designing my life. 🎨 And, it’s fun!

I’m intentionally designing my life 👩‍🎨 to enhance joy, connectedness, fun and fulfillment by KNOWING MY WANTS. 💫

It sounds pretty basic – I know.

But, breaking my old, default habit of deferring to others’ wants is no easy task. I'm tenacious about it.

The habit is being broken.

There are SO many reasons 📜why we (especially women, I think) prioritize the wants of others – and, I’d love to talk to you for hours about how we’ve landed here.

But, more importantly, I want to share how I’m navigating through this social quagmire -- and invite you to join me!

My 3 new favorite practices:

1. 🤔Pick one simple, daily opportunity to practice asking yourself, “What do I want?”

For me, this looks like opting out of default choices and creating more options – ie. Toothpastes! 😁Morning and night, I take a moment to check in with myself to see what flavor would make me feel happy. (Ari does this too. He asks aloud, “Which one is speaking to me? I choose…this one!” 😍Heartmelt – every time!)

2. 🦸‍♀️Choose how you want to feel before you take action.

Every morning I jot down how I want to feel that day. I keep those notes handy throughout the day 📝 as I move through my agenda and simply choose to return to them as choices for doing and being emerge. (Check out Danielle LaPorte’s Daily Planner for more on this.)

3. Here’s the biggie: SPEAK UP. 🗣Figure out what you want when with others and assert it.

Easy example: “What should we have for dinner?” “I want X.” BOOM! 🏆
Courageous example: “That was a great first date.” “I want to see you again this week.” Eek! Yes. Ask for it. 💃

It’s pleasantly surprising how invigorating sharing my wants is. It doesn’t mean I always get what I want. But. It’s a starting point for building true connectivity.

It’s a starting point for seriously real, authentic, no-joke, take-me-as-I-am self-expression.

Hi! This is me! 🙋‍♀️

Meeting another in this space is the first step in the dance of intimacy. 🧚‍♀️

And whether you like it or not, TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU WANT IS ESSENTIAL.

So, why is it important to know and assert your wants?

As humans, we are still driven by animalistic instinct. 🙊 Our instincts are not merely needs-based, they are desire-driven.

Whether we're conscious of our wants or not, we're acting to get those wants met.

If we're not conscious of our wants, we're being manipulative.

If we’re not responsible for our wants, we’re being controlling.

If we’re not asking for what we want, we're slowly withering, as our life force is drained and those instinctual muscles atrophy.

Work the muscle. 💪 Be alive NOW. Tap in to your power. Make choices. Be the master of your own life. 🎩 Know your wants to claim them. 🔐 💖💫🦋 #wantresponsibly

On: Self-Mothering

I used to think self-care was about treating myself to manicures, indulging in the occasional chocolate croissant or the rare Netflix binge. And, self-love was just another word for confidence.

But these buzzwords that I tossed around - “self-care” and “self-love” - took on a whole new meaning when I came across another term: self-mothering.

Self-love was no longer something I “had” or didn’t have. It’s not a static character trait.

Self-care stopped being the occasional pick-me-up that made me feel guilty for doing too much and simultaneously not enough.

It became clear that I had been missing the point.

Replacing those terms with “self-mothering” revealed a fundamentally different way for me to show up in the world.

I know what mothering is, and unlike my misunderstood notions of self-love and self-care, it isn’t something I have or even something I do; it’s something that runs through me and is always happening. In fact, it was a core part of me even before having a child.

The mother part of me is a caretaker, a nurturer, a cheerleader – and she is always present…with others.

What would it be like if I began to be as attentive and motherly to myself as I am to others? Even more grandly, what would it be like if I began to mother myself with the same type of love, attention and intention that I mother my son?

I began to take stock of the ways I care for him and started applying those ways to myself. The results have been nothing short of transformational.

Mothering myself has enabled me to speak my truths and know that I can handle the real or imagined consequences. Mothering myself has deepened my capacity for intimacy by softening the edges to vulnerability. Mothering myself has empowered me to be the creator of my own joy.

Here’s how you can mother yourself:

• Talk to yourself with warm, gentle motherly words and tones

• Be constantly aware of and responsive to your emotional state

• Remind yourself to use your words and make requests when you’re feeling uneasy

• Create a safe space with yourself to process your feelings without making them wrong

• Talk yourself through strategies for communicating and apologizing when you act from anger

• Explain why you’re making decisions to yourself --- so you don’t act arbitrarily

• Track and prioritize your physical needs like food, sleep, and physical activity

• Insist that you eat food that makes you healthy and strong

• Create space for exceptions to indulge in junk food or screen time and enjoy the pleasures of indulgence in moderation

• Create routines and stick to them -- with enough flexibility to remain open to life’s wonders unfolding

• Budget lots of extra time to get out of the house to avoid stressing about time

• Make playdates for yourself with friends

• Encourage your own interests by enrolling in classes and reading relevant books

• Make life playful -- even if you don’t feel like it

• Sing and dance every morning

• Give yourself your full attention when you feel ignored

• Stay present to all the little moments of joy and silliness

• Capitalize on teachable moments by saying the lessons learned out loud

• Choose to respond with patience and love instead of frustration

• Comfort yourself with compassionate words, tone, deep breaths, snuggles and cozy blankets

• Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel happy and loved

It turns out that self-love and self-care ARE all they’re cracked up to be — I just didn’t quite understand the lingo before.

In the comments below, I would love to hear: What does “self-mothering” evoke for you? What are the ways you are mothering others and not yourself? What shifts for you when you start applying those to yourself?