I used to think self-care was about treating myself to manicures, indulging in the occasional chocolate croissant or the rare Netflix binge. And, self-love was just another word for confidence.
But these buzzwords that I tossed around - “self-care” and “self-love” - took on a whole new meaning when I came across another term: self-mothering.
Self-love was no longer something I “had” or didn’t have. It’s not a static character trait.
Self-care stopped being the occasional pick-me-up that made me feel guilty for doing too much and simultaneously not enough.
It became clear that I had been missing the point.
Replacing those terms with “self-mothering” revealed a fundamentally different way for me to show up in the world.
I know what mothering is, and unlike my misunderstood notions of self-love and self-care, it isn’t something I have or even something I do; it’s something that runs through me and is always happening. In fact, it was a core part of me even before having a child.
The mother part of me is a caretaker, a nurturer, a cheerleader – and she is always present…with others.
What would it be like if I began to be as attentive and motherly to myself as I am to others? Even more grandly, what would it be like if I began to mother myself with the same type of love, attention and intention that I mother my son?
I began to take stock of the ways I care for him and started applying those ways to myself. The results have been nothing short of transformational.
Mothering myself has enabled me to speak my truths and know that I can handle the real or imagined consequences. Mothering myself has deepened my capacity for intimacy by softening the edges to vulnerability. Mothering myself has empowered me to be the creator of my own joy.
Here’s how you can mother yourself:
Talk to yourself with warm, gentle motherly words and tones
Be constantly aware of and responsive to your emotional state
Remind yourself to use your words and make requests when you’re feeling uneasy
Create a safe space with yourself to process your feelings without making them wrong
Talk yourself through strategies for communicating and apologizing when you act from anger
Explain why you’re making decisions to yourself --- so you don’t act arbitrarily
Track and prioritize your physical needs like food, sleep, and physical activity
Insist that you eat food that makes you healthy and strong
Create space for exceptions to indulge in junk food or screen time and enjoy the pleasures of indulgence in moderation
Create routines and stick to them -- with enough flexibility to remain open to life’s wonders unfolding
Budget lots of extra time to get out of the house to avoid stressing about time
Make playdates for yourself with friends
Encourage your own interests by enrolling in classes and reading relevant books
Make life playful -- even if you don’t feel like it
Sing and dance every morning
Give yourself your full attention when you feel ignored
Stay present to all the little moments of joy and silliness
Capitalize on teachable moments by saying the lessons learned out loud
Choose to respond with patience and love instead of frustration
Comfort yourself with compassionate words, tone, deep breaths, snuggles and cozy blankets
Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel happy and loved
It turns out that self-love and self-care ARE all they’re cracked up to be — I just didn’t quite understand the lingo before.
In the comments below, I would love to hear: What does “self-mothering” evoke for you? What are the ways you are mothering others and not yourself? What shifts for you when you start applying those to yourself?